Beware Snouts Who Will Sniff You Out

Jun 30, 04:55 PM

Current Headlines: MANY smokers have contacted the Don't Quit Smoking Clinic to ask how the Government plans to enforce the ban. Will members of the non- smoking public be expected to report illegal smokers, who will be bundled away in the middle of the night by the Smoking Police? Probably, unless you can find someone who is prepared to hide you in their attic, cellar or shed out the back. Such people may ultimately be commemorated in an Avenue of the Righteous, as opposed to the Avenue of the

Self-Righteous which will be reserved for those who wave their hands about disgustedly when you light up and say: 'Do you mind?' Should the SP come for you, deny being a smoker by all means, but as anyone who has ever tried to smoke secretly knows, there is no hiding it, and it's only a matter of time before someone, like your husband or child, will say crossly: 'For God's sake, if you are going to smoke secretly in the bathroom, couldn't you at least get a better air-freshener?'

Anyway, once the SSP (Secret Smoking Police, which are one step up from the Smoking Police) have you, they will lock you in a cell where they will nail down all the windows so you can't smoke out of them and then insist you haven't, even though the butts on the roof and in the gutters are a give-away.

If, finally, you are put before an execution squad, the Don't Quit Clinic advises: request a last cigarette, but don't ask to see the finale of Love Story. It's quite upsetting, by all accounts..

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